The Complete Zagzagel Diaries by Bryl R. Tyne

Author:Bryl R. Tyne [Tyne, Bryl R.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Fantasy
Publisher: Untreed Reads
Published: 2014-03-20T16:00:00+00:00

Broken

My previous assignment touched me in a way I still, after a week of Sundays, couldn’t figure. After all these weeks, I had not ascended the Heavens for home or for counsel with Big Papa. Why, you might ask. For no other reason than obligation had I been here for thousands, performed my duty when needed most, and watched graciously as many had passed. Yet I struggled to understand why after all these millennia and out of thousands of charges, the passing of Charley had such an impact on me.

I searched for answers to my current insubordination, concluding only that maybe I was tired. The deeper I thought, the more obvious the truth became; there was no maybe to it. After all this time, I was tired. Tired of helping, but more apparent, tired of hurting.

I shouldn’t have let myself get this way, should’ve made sure I was better prepared, studied harder, prayed more diligently. Truth was, I was so deep in my pain and so determined in my longing, I could not have conceived the detrimental effects of my thinking. I did realize, however, that I would not seem to let it go, no matter how I tried. My emotions appeared to have gotten the better of me.

Because of this, I felt almost ashamed. Almost.

Charley had been the first of my charges to convince me emotions were not a waste of time. Since losing Jagniel, I’d turned off, little by little, tuned out, did all but forget anything good existed in my realm or in yours. Because of Charley’s faith and tenacity, I felt accepted, loved… In truth, if not for Charley, I may have never experienced love again, at all.

I had loved Charley. Not in the romantic sense, but I loved her, nonetheless. Love I felt so sure and so strong that when she passed from this Earth, I succumbed to the opposite feeling just as fiercely. Dwelling on this was harmful to my well-being; I knew I was acting and reacting wrong in so many ways, and yet, thanks to Charley’s love, I realized I could feel again, and I acknowledged that what I’d felt for the past couple of months and what I was going through right now was indeed, very real. So no, with that logic, any tinge of shame evaporated.

Damn it, it hurt like hell to aid others in finding peace while knowing mine would forever evade me—and not by my own doing. That was the true shame. I’d lost love—Jagniel—to circumstances, false teachings…power plays. Forever it seemed I had pushed back the bitterness; only since Charley’s death, my denial of my own feelings ate at me like never before. “Losing love twice in one lifetime can do that to you,” Charley would’ve told me, while patting my back softly, had she been here.

She wasn’t here to comfort me, though, and she never would be again. Yin’s opposite flared to life the longer I dwelled...and I breathed deep to dampen my rage. Here I was, expected to return and report to Big Papa, to do my job.

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